So it's been how many months since I've written here.. Heh, well, a lot has changed indeed. I'm still in Ohio with the love of my life, Justin. Granted, I'm really unhappy with him right now, I still love him to death and we've been absolutely great.
Back in January we got a 2 month old puppy, Bella. She's an Australian shepherd/border collie mix with blue eyes. Weighed 6 pounds when we got her, now weighs 60+ pounds. She's still a big baby. :)
Justin went back to work at the university a month or so later, for the spring semester. During the summer, he had off work so we spent every day together.. all day. Overall, it was a good summer (I say was 'cause he's back to work now.. another thing I'm upset about. More on that later.) but there are some things I'm rather angry about.
First the good stuff. We went fishing A LOT. One day, caught 70 pounds worth of channel catfish. We gave those to Dave for his dad, who loves catfish. ...Eek. I only catch 'em. The only fish I'll eat is tuna. How weird. Anyway. Then, the first week of July, my mum flew Justin and I up to Massachusetts. We had a great week... went to Plum Island to fish and caught nothing but a sunburn. (o_0) Went to New Hampshire for Justin to experience tax-free shopping, Lawl. Showed him my old house in Ipswich, and went to pick strawberries at the orchard. We really didn't do a whole lot, it was mostly showing him where I grew up and junk. It sucks so bad 'cause I just miss home even more since we came back to Ohio... I hate it 'cause everything here is Justin's... I feel like I'm living in his life.. all I see when I look around the apartment is his stuff... his past... all the shit he shared with his cunt of an ex. Nothing here is mine except a box and a few bags of stuff I brought with me.. I don't feel like this is our stuff, our life.. It's his.
All the shit he brought from their old place.. the boxes still have HER name on them... what makes it worse.. he doesn't understand. "Technically it's ours" ...sorry baby, but.. shut up. Not at all. Not to mention that everything around here makes me think of his past shit... all the things he's done with other people. I have no memories from this state except the ones that I created by moving here. I don't think he understands how much of a fucking sacrifice I made to be with him. And he does NOTHING to make me feel better about it.. Example.. I have a really hard time trusting people... Justin included. and he's been giving me more and more reasons to not trust him.. For one, I found out that he has pictures of his ex (amongst other girls that aren't me) in his wallet... I call him on it.. he says it doesn't matter.. it's the past.. all that cliche shit. I tell him  there's no fucking reason for it... if it doesn't matter, fuckin' get rid of them. He knows for a god damned fact that it upsets me and he does nothing about it. And also, I stumble across new profiles of his on various dating sites that he created 5 months after we started dating. ...I call him on that one too. He says bullshit about "I'm a guy" ...and that he was "curious" ......... Are you fucking kidding me!? How many guys do I know that wouldn't do that shit if they have a girlfriend that they truly love? If you're as happy as you say you are with me.. there is no fucking reason to be curious about what else is out there. Are you planning something in case we break up? A fucking back up slut? I asked him a thousand questions.. Am I missing something? Not tall enough? Blonde enough? skinny enough? Not slutty enough? Not a bitch? Don't look like a fucking transvestite? (All his so called favorites on the sites.. looked like fucking dudes. I said that, too. He replied: "Maybe to you!") Wow.
I didn't know he could be such an asshole. Either way, I made him feel like total and complete shit. But did he do anything about it? Take a guess. Nope. I'm wondering... where was I when he made these profiles? How honestly happy is he with me... does he love me as much as he claims? Does he deserve my trust? What the fuck else is he gonna do/has he done?
He's made so many promises to me.. and hasn't kept most them... Most of the shit he told me.. has proved false. He's not nearly as attentive and affectionate as he claimed. "I can't wait to cuddle with you every night.." <-- yeah, uh huh. Only after sex. For a very minimal time, actually.
I've been here almost a year, and he still hasn't helped me in finding a job.. and gets all "I'm sorry, I'm an asshole." make me feel guilty dramatic shit whenever I fucking say that.
Now, he's back to work... promised we'd go out Thursday and look for a job... then goes and tells his boss yes, I'll work Thursday when he was only scheduled yesterday and today. God, I'm so angry.
Well, needless to say, I've been very unhappy... every time I try to talk to him, it makes things worse, so I've been keeping everything to myself. And I will continue to do so until I explode in a fit of rage. Good times, right?

Who knows, every little thing is adding up fairly quickly now and I've been crying on and off since last night.. Maybe I'll force myself to get through the exploding tonight. I need to see change happen... I'm slowly getting more and more homesick because of his fucking shenanigans. I don't love him any less, I just don't trust him for shit. If I didn't love him as much as I do.. I've be calling my mum and telling her to get me home. But because I do.. I believe we're going to be together a long time... if not forever.. I feel like it's worth fixing. I need to tell him all of this (some of it again, some for the first time.) but either way, he needs to know exactly how I feel... and how strongly I feel it. 'cause if I simply tell him, it won't help.. he needs to feel what I feel.

Let me now get back to the good stuff, 'cause I'm feeling more determined, less pissed off. :)
For Dave's birthday, we made him a catfish cake since he loves catching them so much. It came out great! We actually make a double layer sheet cake, and carved the catfish out of that. Frosted it, covered it in fondant(sugar paste) and added the details; whiskers, tail, fins, lips. We even got the type of bobber he uses, and attached it to a circle hook, and attached the whole thing to the cake. The inspiration for this being one day when we were fishing, Dave's bobber disappeared and the next thing we saw was it "swimming" away. The fish pulled it through a fallen tree and it snapped the line. So, somewhere in the lake is a huge cat with a bobber attached to it. Heh, heh. Anyway, he LOVED the cake. Justin and I are going to open a bakery one day. Sooner than later hopefully.
Other stuff that happened this summer: ->I took a part-part time job taking care of a couple's animals on the weekends. They have two dogs and three cats. Justin comes with me and we bring Bella.. the dogs have a great time together and we have fun watching them do so. :D Good pay for two days, too. :) I still need a during the week job, though.
->Justin and I have decided that we're going to write/make a movie. Doing plenty of research and planning for that.
->Opening a bakery.
->Finding a new place in November.
->What I love about when Justin and I talk.. he talks about the future.. like the house he wants and he always says "we" like he secretly (:P) wants me to be in his life for that. That's how I know he is just a big dummy who doesn't quite realize what he's doing. I just need to really get it through his skull that it's not okay and he needs to give me more reason to trust him.. we'll make it work.
->Seen a bunch of movies
->enjoyed the weather
->Got bored of writing this. :P
I just sent Justin a long ass text. and I've bored of writing. we've got to go look for a job when he gets outta work today and call the aquarium place today about our fishies.

[Over and out.]
-Jess

Soooo, it's been a while and I couldn't be happier. Yay for me. :P

 

As I said last time, Justin and his friend Dave were coming up to Massachusetts on Thursday the 25th to spend the weekend and pick me up so we'd all leave Sunday the 28th. Well, they didn't get to Salem until about 11 PM Thursday, but we all insisted on not waiitng until Friday. Not after the 11 hours they drove and I waited. Hah. So, needless to say, buses don't run that late, so I gave Justin directions to my house and they made it there fine. It was great because we were talking on the phone while I gave him the directions, just to make sure he'd know which landmarks I meant.. "That big statue in the square" is pretty vague if you can't see it. Haha. So, I tell him "after the little walking overpass, take a right" and he's like "up the hill, right??" and I tell him yes, and it's "right there once you get up that hill." He's like "uh... what the fuck. Which one?" I tell him the white one and he's like "ooooh, really? where can I park?" I'm like "well, hold on... let me put my shoes on...and uhhhh..." (I put my shoes on and go outside, standing in the driveway. I wave my free hand around so he notices) "Right here!!"  ..It was so cute. Justin's just like "...holy shit. ... ........uh...wow. okay. ....holy shit" and I said somehting like "Umm...yeah, that's me waving. I'll hang up now cause this is silly." :P He parked the car and got out and I had a heart attack and died. :D

 

Actually, that's a lie. What really happened, though, is he got out and I was speechless and couldn't stop smiling like a fool. Actually we were both smiling, but he didn't look like a fool, I did. :P ...He's just kinda like "..Hi"  [cue big hug] ...it was adorable. I love him.

 

We spent a few hours together on Thursday night. Which was most of the initial "OH MY GOD" shy shit, but still. Of course nothing was open so the three of us went to the hotel and watched shitty tv. Justin and I sat on the couch all cuddly. Damn that hotel was nice. Haha, he had his mum book the penthouse at the Marriott. What a nerd. ...It was funny though, because Dave was like "WTF! Justin, what's wrong with you?!" Cause he was all quiet and shy and that's "fucking weird" haha...which after all this time, yep. Very weird. It was cute though. So, they drove me home after a couple hours and I couldn't sleep AT ALL..just waiting for the time to come when I see him again. ...My phone rings at about 11 AM and he tells me they got lost for about 2 hours last night trying to get back to hotel. and I'm like o_0 How? ...blah blah. We spent an hour and a half on the phone...he tells me that I was "more beautiful than any picture" and he was sorry for being so awkward and shy.. and yeah. We're completely sappy and lame. ...Once it got to the hour and a half mark, I was like "...Why are we on the phone, again? You're in the next town over!" and he's like "WTF, I know. ..I'll get ready and we'll come pick you up, k?" .....So, we spent all day from 2 PM and on walking around downtown Salem. As usual, there was an abundance of shitty costumes and annoying idiots. ...We went to the used bookstore and it's crazy because I had never asked the guy for help finding something..but Justin was like "Do you have [insert book title]" and the guy disappears behind a stack of books and he says "Yep. We have 3 of them. Over here." And he navigates through this little store completely filled with books.. literally to the ceiling, you have to walk sideways through the aisles as to not knock shelves and everything over. ...This guy must have thousands of books in a 50-60 square foot store space and still somehow knows where everything is.

...Anyway. We went into all the little shops downtown and had to keep feeding the parking meter ever hour, so it was pretty annoying (and illegal..haha, "Do not reload" ..oops. Eh, who doesn't.) ...but yeah. We had a lot of fun. It was pretty cold once the sun started going down and that was irritating. ..It rained a bit too. UGH!

 

We had plans to see SAW IV, but of course we didn't. ...Simply never got around to it. But Justin said that the movie theatres are cheaper in Ohio anyway. ...I've been here for almost two weeks and we still haven't had time to go see it. Haha. ...Anway. So, on Saturday we went down more towards Derby Wharf and made our way up near the Hawthorne Hotel area. In the East India Sq. there was this English acrobat guy and his sister performing so pretty crazy things. He was absolutely hilarious! Once their little show thingy was over he's talking about being a street performer..how they'd appreciate any donation whatsoever...even if it's not money and just a "keep up the good work" thing. ...All serious-like, you know? Haha..then he's like "Seriously, we need the money to go home! If we don't get enough, I'll just marry one of your daughters and stay here. ...Or sons!" (He takes the bottom of his shirt and puts in through the top like a girl would do to show off her belly or whatever.) "This is Massachusetts, isn't it?" HAHA!! ...Good times. :D

..I got yelled at by some preachers on the side of the road and yelled right back at him. Oh, it was nice. 

Around 9 ish, we were all pretty hungry and tired of walking so I gave them directions to my favorite Italian restuarant nearby and they were in awe. ..Heh. Yum. :)

 

Sunday, we were planning to leave sometime around 10-11 AM, but that didn't happen. Justin wanted to find a few things to bring back for his parents but that took a few hours. First, finding a damn parking spot then the actual finding certain sizes and etc. So, we didn't actually head out until 6 PM. x_x ... It took a good 13 hours until we got home..at which point Justin and Dave had to go to the old place and get furniture..i.e. bed to sleep on. But, we stopped about 6 times on the way here, so that's part of why it took so long. We stopped in Hartford, CT  to find some food...we hadn't really eaten anything all day. ..Went to Friendly's. Justin had driven up until that point... My mum had called and left me a message which made me pretty upset, so he asked Dave to drive for a while so he could sit with me in the back. Dave drove through the rest of CT, and through NY and about half of Pennsylvania. Justin and I both fell alseep for about 3 hours.. through NY and PA. At that point, Dave was getting tired, so they switched and my goodness! We drove through the Appalacian Mountains...the roads were crazy. All the changing of elevation, and stuff killed my head. Ears popping and shit. Ugh. And of course it was completely dark so I couldn't see much. Until Justin says "If you're like me and hate heights...don't look to left." ...So, I'm like "....I...uh... why?" and of course have to look out of curiousity and O_O "Holy SHIT!" -ducks down-  Good god, we were high up. ..I cold see all the little lights of a city in the valley and shit. The roads didn't help in comforting me, either, though.. they were the type that cause spooky whistling sounds as the car drives over them. ...Once we got to Ohio, though, it was much much much better. And light out. Haha. We entered the state as the sun started coming up and once we finished bringing the bags inside, and Dave and Justin got the bed and etc... it was sunny. o_o ..Didn't actually get to sleep until 11:30-12 noon. ....Ergh. And we woke up at 6-6:30 PM. ..and the sun was going down. Lawl @ that.

 

It'll be 2 weeks that I've been here on Monday and there's still so much I haven't seen. Even in town, too. Mostly because we're retarded and stay up all night and sleep until 4 most days. So, I've actually seen mostly everything in the dark. :/ ...We were talking about this last night, actually. ..Justin got home from work around 11:30 and we cleaned up the kitchen to bring the trash to his parents house because we still don't know when the trash day is and which barrels are ours, etc. Went upstairs to get shoes and junk and got...erm... "distracted." ... The funny thing is...when we came downstairs to make something to eat. We went to Walmart the other day and got some food..hot dogs, included. We spent a good 10 minutes looking for them, questioning whether or not somehow we forgot them...didn't put them away...or somehow eaten them without realizing. Nope. ...They were on top of the fridge. Unopened. ...In a bag. ...with the buns. ....WTF. ..Justin's trying to tell me "they smell fine......" and I just kinda look at him like "...that's fuckin' gross." ..He finally listens, agreeing it's not worth it if we both get selmonella or food poisoning or something of the like. ...We end up leaving the house at 1:30...drop the trash off at his parents house because theirs gets picked up Friday morning and we head up to the 24-hour Walmart in Massillon. ...Heh. That's when I was saying to him that I still haven't seen very much..and what I have seen, with one exception of a trip to Akron to pick up Justin's paycheck..has been at night. >_> So he told me that since he's not working Saturday, we'll get up early and spend all day out and he'll show me things. ..And we'll go to the shopping area in Canton and I can pick up some applications for work. :D

I'm really excited about it, too!

Oh! And I already met his parents and his brother. They're all soo nice! ..His mum's so sweet. She's hilarious: Justin bought her a Johnny Depp blanket and when we were over there, she showed it off to me. "Look at my Johnny!" (She hugs it) I like them all a lot. And she gave me a hug when we left, telling me not to be nervous or shy or whatever around them cause Justin told them how nervous I was to meet them. :)

 

....So, now it's 7:30, I've been typing FOREVER and I'm hungry. I'm gonna go warm up some of the food from last night we still have. Justin's at work right now...He should be home around 12:30, I think. God, I'm a dork for missing him already. Heh. ....One more thing real quick. ...There's already been a few people (including my own mother) who have told us they can "feel the bond we have" and "how in love we are." ...Crazy. ..They girl who was working on Justin's phone (a complete stranger) even said it. She thought we had been together for years. Lawl @ it being technically 2 weeks. :P She was like "You can tell when people are really made for eachother."

 

And I'll leave it at that.

 

[Over and out.]

-Jess

Yes, it is true. 9 Days left in Massachusetts for me. :D ...Quite frankly, I couldn't be more excited! Nope. Nope. Nope.

This weekend has not been all smiles and sunshine, though.  Actually, it has been complete hell. First off, Saturday, I woke up around 1:30.. I got a text from Justin saying something about him not wanting to be at work.. I replied...blah blah. ..So I got out up and, already having a bad feeling about the day, got a drink and went to lay back down. My mum comes into the room and and says "You're going to sleep all day?" and I was like o_0 wtf? I just said "What else am I going to?" and she says something along the lines of "how did I know that was coming.." and ...yeah. ..I'm sitting here, totally confused about everything and I just ask her "what's the problem?!" and she goes on to tell me she called Justin. ...Hence why he was so unhappy and didn't want to be at work any longer. Naturally, I flip out, demanding to know how the fuck she got his number and what the fuck business she has calling him while he's at work, etc. She doesn't say much for a while.. then goes through all the bullshit about "having ways" of "finding things out" .... ...... .....WHAT? ...So, after lying to me about it for about 20-25 minutes, she sees that I'm not believing her and admits that she took my phone and got his number that way. ..... I was completely ripshit.

--First of all! ...Are you fucking serious? ...What kind of parent would do such a shitty thing! Second of all, I already planned on talking to her about that, because Justin had said the previous night that he'll be more than willing to give her his number and all that... but no. She had to go behind my back to get it before I even had a chance. ...and THIRD-- Don't fuckng harass him at work! ...He told her he was working, but she still insisted on talking right then. Why? Because she didn't want me to know. ...o_0  So, all she ended up doing with that whole thing is ask him "what are your intentions with my daughter?" (......watch enough movies?) and she somehow felt compelled to judge him and assume all these awful things when she doesn't even know him.. I felt so bad.. I called him later that night and we talked for a good 6 hours or something like that. He feels bad that he didn't have an answer about his "intentions" because there is no answer for that. I do believe the only reason that question is ever asked is when a parent is subconsciously hoping for a bad answer to make saying no easier. o_o ...........................

 

..I keep getting distracted, so to make a long story shorter, we fought for quite awhile.. but eventually, my mum realized that there is nothing she can do about me moving. She realized that the only reasons she's not upset about it is because of her own fears and personal worries. So today, while we chatted after my appointment with my therapist (last appointment ever!) ... Lynne (therapist) told her everything I've been saying and I think hearing it from a professional who is also a mother and knows from personal experience about having children leave home when she didn't agree.. it made  my mum feel a bit more at ease knowing that she doesn't have to encourage it, or even condone it.. that all I want is for her to wish me luck. ...That it's normal to be upset and scared..  So, she realized all that and said it. She said she wishes me the best of luck and to be safe.

 

So, needless to say, that made my day and I'm even more confident than ever. ...After all the fighting and screaming and crying I've done this weekend, today(techinically yesterday, huh?) was good. I'm happy. Justin's happy. My mum is still supporting me even though she doesn't like it. ...the only catch now.. is I have to write my father and tell him, in so many words to stop harassing my mum about me when it's me he should be talking to. ...ugh. He always does this. ...Bitches at my mum..badgers her to take care of all these things and it really upsets her. .. I'm sick of his bullshit. Sick of him trying to be a part of my life after not having been for the past almost 18 years. ...He doesn't know me or my situation and I'm fucking tired of him only making contact when something big is going on. He comes in from nowhere threatening me to stay "home" .... saying I'll end up raped, beaten, abused and killed if I go. o_0 ..... He's a tool. Don't even tell me about rape. Clueless asshole. ..While I'm at it, I might end up telling him off completely.. telling him to stay the fuck out of my life. ...that if I want to talk to him, I will. If not, leave me alone. ..motherfucker.

 

I have a lot of stuff to do! Going to work on getting my shit together tomorrow. Hopefully I'll wake up before 3:30 so I can actually get something done, though. :P

 

Well, I'm hungry. I was talking to Justin on AIM but I think he passed out at the computer. ...My god, he's adorable<3

 

[Over and out.]

-Jess

I don't know how else to explain it. I've been feeling very me-three-years-ago lately. ..it's like I've become more and more of a shell of a person. My body exists alone.. all that was inside is no longer and I just don't get why. My mum and I were on our way to the Rockingham Mall as we do most Saturdays.. We got off 95 and I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming urge to cry. I don't know what it is, but I'm not liking it. ...I've been extremely irritable and even stupid little meaningless shit has brought on absurd emotions. I mean, we had a cup's worth of milk left, and I was very excited to have it.. I put the cup down next to my bed for a minute to open my laptop and my kitten's hyper...flying around..attacking everything, etc. He jumped on my bed and I went to grab him and he dove off, knocked over my cup and spilled the milk everywhere! I stared at it for a good 45 seconds before breaking down and crying. It's not a big deal, but I couldn't help it! Something is seriously wrong with me.

 

...And I have come to the conclusion that I'm not simply "afraid" of spiders. I must have full blown arachnophobia. ..There was this large, large, LARGE spider two days ago. It was red and white from what I saw and it ran across the floor faster than it should ever be able to. ..And it jumped when my kitten attacked it. I swear to fucking god my heart has never beaten that fast and hard over something not actually physical. I couldn't breathe, and my whole body was shaking for at least an hour after it was dead. ...that can't be a normal "oh, no! a spider!" ...o_o

 

Another thing. People suck. My brother decides to call me after being away all weekend and say "Oh, by the way.. I'm in Canada. ..leaving now.. should be home in about 10 hours. ......don't tell Mum." !!! ...He called while we were eating dinner so of course she drills me for answers and I don't say anything.. which causes her to get pissy at me and bitch for the rest of the night. UGH! And I've been getting harassed online. Of course the fucking pussy asshole blocks me. Haha! Must've been intimidated by my ability to form sentences and type out "you" ....he couldn't. HA.

 

Point of this entry: ...WTF.

 

[Over and out.]

-Jess

Yay, Pantera! ...If you haven't noticed, the subject line has nothing to do with the actual entry and will not. I'd rather put a movie quote or a lyric or something.

 

So, what I was gonna actually write about was the fact that after I wrote that entry last night, I totally lost my motivation to write like I said I was going to. Instead, I watched Ghosthunters and stuff... I was talking to Justin for a bit until he had to go 'cause he was meeting up with a friend of his to shoot some pool or whatever.  But, a while after he left, he randomly sent me a text and totally lifted my spirits, so-to-speak.  It's amazing that he can send me a simple text message..not even 10 words long and make me smile like he does. That's what I love about him...he's the least selfish guy I've ever met and appreciates all the little things that people tend to not care about more than anything!

...When Bryan broke up with me for no reason (other than so he could get high guilt-free, I believe....fuckng assbag) I thought I was going to be alone forever. That once I fell in love with him and we spent the past year and a half together.. and he broke my heart, that I would never be able to fall in love again. I've always thought that true love only happens once. ...and I suppose that hasn't changed, because..if Bryan loved me as much as he claimed to, would he have broke up with me via text message because I confronted him for being an asshole? No. true love doesn't lie.. doesn't keep secrets. And most certainly isn't demeaning and lacking the balls to end in person. o_O He said to me...no, wait... texted to me: "good luck finding someone who can love you like I do..and yes. I still do." Hmm. "nothing will ever change that" ...if you say so, sweetheart. You wasted a year and half of my life leading me on, giving me a ring and promising all these things... Ha! Whatever.

..The point is: I believe now, that maybe I didn't love that boy as much as I thought. ..or that maybe I did and I just didn't know it was possible to love someone even more than that. Well, I can't explain it. ..words can never adequately explain such strong emotions, and that's why they're emotions and not words. If they were meant to be explained, they would be words.

 

...And believe it or not, that was not what I wanted to write about. WTF. Haha, I love hardcore side-tracking. All I was going to say was that my family drives me up a fucking wall. i went to make a turkey and cheese sandwich last night because there wasn't anything else that I could eat... I have a dentist appointment next week, but right now, I can't eat anything loaded with sugar.. It's killing me! I love sweets. Ugh. But anyway, I get so irritated because this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. ..both the ignorance it takes to do it, and the actual issue itself. My mother always complains when she has to throw food away, which I understand, because I hate it too... but, seriously, don't even open your mouth if you put the turkey and the cheese in a DRAWER with beer and expect people to know where it is!! ....It doesn't belong there! And then, my favorite part, was how no one EVER keeps the damned bread tie...and doesn't even tie the bag to keep it fresh! My brother is the worst one.. he doesn't even twist the bag shut.. He leaves it flat and folds it under the loaf. >:(  And of course he's always the one bitching when the bread is stale. Mind you, he's 24 years old. Am I the only one in this fuckin' family with common sense/consideration?

 

..certianly seems that way.

 

At least the sandwich was good. I microwaved it and the cheese was all melty and..yum. :P I might go make another right now.

 

[Over and out.]

-Jess